Learn from the past, get vivid, detailed goals for the future,
and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: NOW.
~ Denis Waitley ~
It feels good when you have control of a situation, but when someone is controlling you, that’s a different story. We’ve all been in a situation like this: one person stands out in the crowd who absolutely needs to have their voice heard and they will go to any length to do so, either by dominating the conversation with a choke-hold, or they keep interrupting anyone else that is talking. It’s “I-want-to-talk-about-me-only”. They set the guidelines for the conversation with “I-want-it-my-way” or else.
And, when you confront them, they may even get defensive because they don’t understand your logic. Anyone standing in the background of the conversation sees what is happening. When a controlling person continually tries to control us, at some point, perhaps, we just shut up and do what they want us to do in order to avoid another conflict. However, they can’t come into your life, your home or your situation unless you invite them in the first place. So, we need to see the signs of a controlling person and not extend that invitation to them.
In order to get things back to an even keel again, there are some things you can try in order to understand their behavior or to minimize the effects they have on you.
First, let’s try to understand what is going on. Anyone who is trying to control you or others in their path is generally out of control themselves in their mind. They feel a lack of control in their lives and outwardly show the world how they really want to be. They latch on to people they can control in hopes that it will make them feel better. It’s become their style.
So, when they try to control us, we take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s totally about them. So don’t take it personally and allow them to become your personal vampire. (Remember, vampires always require an invitation.) It is about their sense of inner control but they need to express it as an outward expression and you might get hurt, but they don’t care, because it’s always about them. This type of behavior didn’t just start with you. It has been happening for them long before you met. They have a knack for doing this to everyone they meet and they do it very well.
Really, what it means is that they have a low opinion of themselves. Their inner trust level measures at about “one” on the scale. They have their own attachment to the outcome of the conversation or the situation. And they won’t let go of that. They hide their vulnerability well, but when you really examine this, they really are vulnerable to themselves, and to those that understand them.
So what do you do about a controlling person?
Firstly, don’t engage in a conversation with them. When you feel or see the first “red flag” walk away. Don’t get caught in their web. It’s not about winning. Do what you need to do …. excuse yourself from the room, hang up the phone or don’t return their email or text. Stop allowing. Period. Hopefully, they will get the hint that this type of behavior is not acceptable with you, but don’t be surprised if they weren’t listening to you at all. It may take some time, so be patient, if you dare.
Secondly, don’t react to them with words or actions. Remain calm and in control of yourself. Remember, you now see this coming. As they say, lay your armor down at your feet. This, in and of itself, is your strength and shows them you are not going to be threatened by them. Don’t react to them because that’s what they really want, so they can use more of their control to control you. Stay fearless. By doing this and feeling the energy they are emitting, you are better able to walk away without conflict. Everything is energy …. some good, some bad. When we feel their energy, and demonstrate fear, the situation will only get worse and their controlling gets more intense.
Third, ask for their help. This is what they want …. to be in control. But turn the tables on them by asking what it is that they want. Ask how they would like something done or where the conversation is going. Find out what is important to them and look for a solution to resolve the problem. You will be directing the control toward you and away from them without them actually knowing it. It’s not about competition but about cooperation. Ask yourself, “What do I want and what am I willing to risk losing in order to get it?”
And finally, trust yourself. Try to look past their behaviors and not judge them. Remain calm and bring happiness and peace to the situation. You can only think of what you want from where you currently stand. Be very clear of what you want. Set forth your intention. The Universe is teaching you a deeper lesson. You are here to learn from it. Accept that lesson. Look past this person’s issues and try to understand them. Forgive them. Love them.
It’s also about saying, “I don’t want to have a relationship with you. I take full responsibility for my will and my decision.” Say what is truly in your heart, not what you think they want to hear.
It may appear that you have given them the wrong impression about your relationship. Apologize that you mislead them and tell them you are sorry for your actions in sending a confusing message by your past words and actions. Then move on with your journey.
It’s time to take your power back.
Speak from your heart.
Stay in the light.
Don’t invite the vampire / controlling person. Remember vampires don’t like the dark, it is essential to them.
Walk in presence. Step into the NOW.
Now . . . go out and seek the love and support of new friends and relationships.
Who are we to judge another when we ourselves don’t know what we are seeking?
The most obvious thing is that none of us are without faults and peculiarities. The act of judging takes a person out of their own life to deal with the business and problems of others. And really, do you have time for that?